Monthly Archives: February 2014

Mommy Wars? It’s your own fault.

It seems like every other day, there’s another news article or blog post about Mommy Wars. So hey, why not jump on the bandwagon?

However, I have a slightly different take on the topic; one that will most likely get me vilified by most of the Mommies involved in the Wars. But it won’t be the first or the last time that other parents roll their eyes at me or tell me how much I suck.

So many of the articles and posts focus on how everyone has their own legitimate point of view, and how we all need to respect each other, join hands, hug it out, and sing Kumbaya.


The simple fact is that people, not just mothers, judge each other. It sucks, but it’s real. It may be true that women who have squeezed out a kid or five are worse than other types of humans. I’ll give you that. But admonishing them to play nicely isn’t going to work any better than it does when you try it with a pack of rabid toddlers.

So what will work? Simple. Stop acting like a damn victim.

Women scream and howl that men treat us like the weaker gender. We rebel when we’re patted on the head, we demand respect and equal pay. Then why in the hell do you whimper and cower when some idiot who doesn’t know your kid or your marriage, or your situation cuts her eyes at you?


Do you make excuses for your religious path? “Well, see, I’d read some books, and just made the best decision I could at the time. But I’m just not sure it was right…”

Do you apologize for your choice of partners? “I didn’t know any better…it was my first spouse, so I was bound to make mistakes…but maybe with experience, I will make a better choice.”

Do you get defensive when your career choice is questioned? “But…I thought I’d be so good at accounting. My boss thinks I’m doing ok, and I get a good paycheck. Hmm. Maybe you’re right. Maybe I should’ve been an arc welder instead. I just don’t know what to do!”


Every woman who gives birth for the first time is faced with a deluge of uncertainty and even fear. No one wants to ruin their kid for life. We don’t want to be that mom whose kid sits in therapy while the shrink recoils at the horrors suffered at the mistakes of the mother.

But for the love of DOG, grow a pair. No, not of breasts – you already have those. Grow a pair of brain cells. Use one to have the confidence to know yourself, your kid, and your situation. Use the other to remember the words of Eleanor Roosevelt. “No one can make you feel inferior without your consent.”

The so-called Mommy Wars exist because YOU feed them. You cannot prevent stupid people from attacking out of their own insecurities. But you can prevent the continuation of a pointless argument by refusing to engage. Whether it’s in person or online, judgmental crap oozes through. Raise an eyebrow, shake your head, move on. Responding to the judgment simply perpetuates it. “Oh! Look! She got defensive and is making excuses! She knows I’m right!”

By continuing the cycle of antagonistic behavior, you sink to the level of the very people you seek to prove wrong. Stop.

You’re a damn good mother. And you will get even better as time passes.

Know it, live it, but do not ever stoop to defend it.


Snowmageddon, Southern Style

The kids were ecstatic, the parents were scared

As they realized that Winter Storm Pax would be there.

People in grocery stores had all said,

“What? There’s no milk! Oh no! Where’s the bread!”

School were closing, sending all the kids home

To gather their sleds and coats, waiting for snow.

I-40’s filled with trucks spilling brine

Commuters are hoping to get home in time

Before the impending arrival of snow

Because of the dangers we’ve all come to know.

Southerners howling at Yankee car speeds,

Northerners shaking their heads at hayseeds.

When really, it’s “all y’all” who need to stay home

It’s not worth the risk, this venture to roam.

So gather your blankets, your cocoa and tea

Come hang out on Facebook and Twitter with me!

Valentine’s Day

6190784523_abe2068aa7_bJust after Christmas, it begins: the onslaught of red and pink. The hearts, the teddy bears, the jewelry, the flowers.

Valentine’s Day is approaching.

Also known as “Singles Awareness Day”, Valentine’s Day is ostensibly a time to celebrate love and romance. Beginning with a Catholic martyr, it didn’t quite hit the radar of the insipidly mushy until Chaucer decided it should be so. Jerk.

Despite my naturally curmudgeonly eye rolls to the saccharine Hallmark expressions, I do have what I consider to be a valid point for parents.

The constant barrage of mixed messages assailing our kids is teaching them that, in order to have worth, they need to have a boyfriend or girlfriend. Every advertisement reinforces how to buy love with gifts. The cynic in me goes back to that eye rolling and is reminded of Ron White’s words of wisdom. “Diamonds…that’ll shut her up.”

So yet again, stereotypes are pounded into our kids’ impressionable brains. Girls are materialistic, demanding princesses and boys are lucky to be allowed to worship them and present their hopefully-acceptable gifts. Is this really what you want for your kids?

Parents, when you express loving sentiments or purchase a gift for your partner because the calendar (and every other commercial on television) tells you that it’s February 14th, you’re part of the problem. When love is measured by the number of flowers in the bouquet, or chocolates in the box, or gemstones in the jewelry, you’re part of the problem. When you encourage your kindergarteners to have a “boyfriend” or “girlfriend”, it’s not cute, and it’s not harmless. You’re part of the problem.

You’re teaching your kids that love, and also sex, can and should be purchased and owed.

Stop the cycle. Celebrate Valentine’s Day as a day of loving expression to family and friends. Want to give sweets? Do it. But give them to friends instead of trying to buy yourself (or your kid) a romantic partner.

It’s time to grow and evolve. And time to stop sending the message to our kids that love and sex are marketable commodities.

Adult kids make you cry, too

Kids can make you cry at any age, really. Any parent knows this.

The Professor is the only of my kids who is sure she wants a child. The Artist would sooner swan dive into the fires of Mordor, and the Ambassador just kind of cringes a little. However, due to some medical concerns, we don’t think the Professor can carry a child to term. There are plenty of options open to her: if she winds up with a partner who can carry, they could decide to go that route. She could adopt. And as a true sign of the bond between sisters, The Artist has offered to carry a child for her.

First time I heard that was when the girls were around 14-15ish. Blew me away. Their bond was so close that the offer was made without hesitation, and has never wavered. It became one of those little testaments to the fact that I succeeded in raising my kids to have true, genuine closeness among the three of them. They will snark and fight, but if you mess with one, you need to be prepared for the wrath of the other two to rain down upon your hapless being.

Last night, the Professor, the Artist, and I were chatting while I baked and made some sugar scrub. We were joking about the Professor being forbidden to name a girl-child “Minerva”. The Artist laughed too, but said she wasn’t worried, as the Professor had chosen “Rhiannon” as any future daughter’s moniker. I was aware of this too, and therefore wasn’t actually concerned that a potential grandchild of mine would be saddled with McGonogall’s name, no matter how cool she was.

What I did know?

The Professor has also settled on a boy’s name. Christopher. The name of her big brother, whom I miscarried.

Damn kids knock me on my ass more times than I can count.

These sniffles? Watery eyes. Allergy season. It’s just allergy season.



Million WHAT March?!

The 3rd Annual Million MILF March is coming to New Orleans, LA!

If you believe in the essence of parity

But you find that such thing is a rarity

Then shake off your sober

To join us in October

As we gather to get drunk for charity!

If you raise you glass filled with a drink

Please do not look down and think,

“How can I be a MILF

When I’m not a sylph?”

Just read the details at this link!


Good Advice

3947019039_99db147f90_bAs our kids get older, it’s important to guide them into adulthood with sincere, well-thought-out advice.

I’ve got a list started, but I’d love to hear from others as to what I should add!

1. No threesomes til you’re at least 21.

2. No spearfishing while drunk.

3. Sometimes, drugs are your friend.

4. Don’t date the stupid ones. Looks change, but you cannot fix stupid.

5. Never leave your drink at a bar – if you have to go pee, get a new one.

6. When in doubt, talk to your Mom about it.

7. Learn to cook – your palate will thank you.

8. When drinking, always eat first. Then drink a glass of water for every alcoholic drink you had, plus 2 Tylenol. No hangover!

9. Don’t text at the table. It’s rude, and you miss out on too much stuff.

10. Always say “please” and “thank you”, even if you’re in a bad mood.

11. Fight fair. Stick to issues – don’t get personal.

12. Don’t say anything online you wouldn’t say to someone’s face.

13. On a rainy afternoon, a nap is always a good option.

14. Conserve water – shower with a friend.

15. The softer the blanket, the better it is.

Your turn!